Funny Status Messages

Brasstoff: I heard that if I stood on Mars I would weigh 20% less. I now know this to be false! Does anyone want to buy 48 flattened chocolate bars? 122 Dislike
bob: My wife told me i'm always trying to turn everything into a 'quiz'. Is that: a) weird, b) annoying, or c) unfair 7 Dislike
Jager: Charlie Sheens next tv show will be called "Two And A Half Grams." 7 Dislike
@TsirAhXuan: Someday, I'm going to make a movie entitled "The Cubicle." It's going to be a boxed office! 7 Dislike
pvinodnayak: The maximum speed one can have sex is 68kmph, cause at 69 you gotta turn around ;) 7 Dislike
TheDReeve: never let your parrot live in the bedroom, they hear everything. if you have friends over, the parrot might yell: "Not the ass" 7 Dislike
puckhugh: There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going. 7 Dislike
puckhugh: FACEBOOK asks me what I’m thinking, TWITTER asks me what I’m doing, FOURSQUARE asks me where I am. Conclusion: Internet is my girlfriend! 7 Dislike
puckhugh: They took a nationwide poll to see what type of natural disaster people feared the least. Avalanche won by a landslide 7 Dislike
POLYGRAPH MARC: My wife has asked me to get her some gloves to wear at her mother's funeral...Does anyone know where I can buy those giant foam fingers? 7 Dislike

Last post by Rex on 11/10/2019 08:48:56 AM GMT

Rex My epileptic girlfriend is miserable she wont dance to her favourite song but you give her a strobe light & theres no stopping her
Posted by Rex 11/10/2019 08:48 AM Like
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Bâtard My doctor told me that i was fat. So i said that i'll need an second opinion. He told me that i was ugly too..
Posted by Bâtard 29/06/2019 02:37 PM 6 Like
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Rex My friend is going to a fancy dress party dressed as a rastafarian & hes asked me to do his hair.....................Im dreading it
Posted by Rex 11/06/2019 04:21 PM 6 Like
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jeanna Tonight I plan on drinking until I'm someone else's problem
Posted by jeanna 14/05/2019 03:48 PM 5 Like
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jumbojim It's kind of patronising that a computer asks you to prove you're not a robot
Posted by jumbojim 14/05/2019 03:45 PM 5 Like
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stormydan Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.
Posted by stormydan 14/05/2019 03:44 PM 3 Like
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@paulhale Madrid police have raised concerns that Tottenham fans may take flares to the stadium on 1st June. Because that's what they wore last time
Posted by @paulhale 13/05/2019 09:07 AM 2 Like
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stormydan I'm fat. But I identify as skinny. I'm transfat.
Posted by stormydan 11/04/2019 06:43 PM 6 Like
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stormydan The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
Posted by stormydan 16/03/2019 09:05 PM 6 Like
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jumbojim The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?...”
Posted by jumbojim 13/03/2019 09:24 PM 6 Like
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keetojb i was so drunk last night the cops pulled somebody over on tv and i put my beer under the couch
Posted by keetojb 11/03/2019 04:50 PM 6 Like
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Rex When we yawn do deaf people think we are screaming?
Posted by Rex 24/01/2019 07:03 PM 4 Like
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@paulhale My new years resolution is to give up drinking every week
Posted by @paulhale 16/12/2018 04:15 PM 2 Like
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Camalot Type Gobsh*tes into Google maps and see where it takes you :)
Posted by Camalot 03/11/2018 09:24 AM 1 Like
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@lelomgb I dont care how hot you are ,dumb is not attractive
Posted by @lelomgb 27/10/2018 01:13 PM Like
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Rex All porn videos should start with 5 seconds music to remind you that your volume is turned up
Posted by Rex 15/10/2018 06:05 PM Like
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Rex I'm going to invent a new pill called Niagra that stops erections. Slogan will be: "Viagra Rises, Niagra Falls!"
Posted by Rex 14/10/2018 02:55 PM 1 Like
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USA1 Never challenge a guy to an arm wrestling match who's been single for more than 6 months.
Posted by USA1 24/09/2018 02:36 AM 3 Like
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Rex If you superglue a dead wasp to the back of your hand you can slap your boss on the back of the head real hard & pretend you saved him
Posted by Rex 28/08/2018 02:56 PM 4 Like
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Rex Are the 2 "ee"s in bee silent?
Posted by Rex 26/08/2018 05:22 PM 3 Like
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