Funny Status Messages

Milo: I was performing stand up at the O2 in London yesterday when the manager yelled 'Excuse me sir, this is a phone shop, not a comedy club' 18 Dislike
Scubasteve: I just drove past a sign that said "Watch for blind children". That is very cruel. What next, headphones for deaf kids? 18 Dislike
Joely09: Watching all the foreigners on Britains Got Talent, I think they should change the name of the show to 'Britains Got Sh*t Border Control' 18 Dislike
Swizzel: My facial hair is starting to grow on me. 18 Dislike
Cazjaz: I've just broken the sound barrier! Or, as the police called it, my wife's jaw. 18 Dislike
SCOTLAND: My wife is a hypnotist. Whenever she talks, I fall asleep. 18 Dislike
JockMcCuddy: Me and my mate planned to go to a fancy dress party dressed as a pair of breasts. He didn't turn up. I looked like a right tit. 17 Dislike
Chicky: The plot for Transformers 4 is out. Scousertron defeats the Autobots by placing Optimus Prime on bricks. 17 Dislike
Cazjaz: Last week I was really mad. I hit my computer keyboard and the bottom left button fell off. It was the day I lost control. 17 Dislike
SCOTLAND: Too many cans, and you can't. 16 Dislike

Email Address:

Buy our eBook for just £2.99

Kindle edition also available!

Website design for £249!

Last post by sirdawko on 20/05/2012 08:14:22 AM GMT

sirdawko Petr Cech may have made a good save, but i just got a loaf of bread from Asda for 20p. beat that
Posted by sirdawko 20/05/2012 08:14 AM Like
Share on Facebook | Share on MySpace | Share on Twitter

rajesh007 Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
Posted by rajesh007 20/05/2012 06:24 AM 2 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on MySpace | Share on Twitter

Infamous X If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Posted by Infamous X 19/05/2012 10:37 PM 2 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on MySpace | Share on Twitter

Infamous X NyQuil: The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
Posted by Infamous X 19/05/2012 10:37 PM 1 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on MySpace | Share on Twitter

dannymc Why do Footballers like their wives to be tanned?. Because the darker they are, the less chance they have of getting f***ed by John Terry.
Posted by dannymc 19/05/2012 07:30 PM 3 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on MySpace | Share on Twitter

dannymc Been going with a girl with a plasticine fanny, haven't made love yet but I've made a good impression.
Posted by dannymc 19/05/2012 07:07 PM 2 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on MySpace | Share on Twitter

Lithium1976 Can't wait to see the Olympic Flame!! It's a flame for Christs sake!!
Posted by Lithium1976 19/05/2012 06:14 PM 2 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on MySpace | Share on Twitter

Tabish Huh, I guess facebook won’t let you be in relationship with yourself. Well screw you facebook, I love myself.
Posted by Tabish 19/05/2012 01:25 PM 3 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on MySpace | Share on Twitter

sirdawko my girlfriend says she is going to leave me because I play too much poker......I think she's bluffing!
Posted by sirdawko 19/05/2012 10:15 AM 3 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on MySpace | Share on Twitter

DJ Dusty Computer tells me my firewall isn't turned on. I'm obviously going to the wrong porn sites.
Posted by DJ Dusty 19/05/2012 10:01 AM 3 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on MySpace | Share on Twitter

sirdawko I must have an amazing rear end because every time I finish talking to someone & turn around to walk away,I hear them whisper,"What an arse"
Posted by sirdawko 19/05/2012 08:18 AM 5 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on MySpace | Share on Twitter

Somebody My brother and I replaced the tennis balls on Nana's walker with superballs and watching her bounce down the steps was a kodak moment
Posted by Somebody 19/05/2012 12:25 AM Like
Share on Facebook | Share on MySpace | Share on Twitter

dannymc may all your life's ups and downs be under your blanket"
Posted by dannymc 18/05/2012 04:40 PM 14 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on MySpace | Share on Twitter

dannymc The new Duran Duran euro 12 song is very catchy His name is Rio and he watches from the stands
Posted by dannymc 18/05/2012 12:09 AM 13 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on MySpace | Share on Twitter

dannymc Man u have just announced, that after a trophyless season & a run of disappointing results, they have this morning, sacked Howard Webb...!
Posted by dannymc 18/05/2012 12:08 AM 12 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on MySpace | Share on Twitter

dannymc My girlfriend is leaving me because I've got alopecia. oh well it's hair loss..
Posted by dannymc 17/05/2012 11:51 PM 12 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on MySpace | Share on Twitter

dannymc Donna Summer's dead, thought it was a hoax, but this time I know it's for real.
Posted by dannymc 17/05/2012 11:51 PM 4 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on MySpace | Share on Twitter

Tabish Some people are wise, and some are otherwise.
Posted by Tabish 17/05/2012 10:29 PM 7 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on MySpace | Share on Twitter

Skoobster Victorias Secret = she's got a cock
Posted by Skoobster 17/05/2012 08:06 PM 10 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on MySpace | Share on Twitter

Skoobster "Dad, the boys at school have been calling me Girlie Boy"...... Why ya lettin that get to you son...is it that time of the month again?"
Posted by Skoobster 17/05/2012 07:26 PM 12 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on MySpace | Share on Twitter